With every couple that forms, two people come together bringing with them their expectations and needs. Very often they are not the same. Sometimes they are complementary, sometimes they are alike, sometimes very opposing.
So how do you deal with all of this?
There are a couple of golden rules, if you would like to see your partnership succeed.
Let’s look very briefly at expectations and needs in the 4 different areas that cover all of our basic needs and that are
Material
Intellectual
Emotional
Sexual
Material:
When you are madly in love, you overlook sometimes your material need. It is certainly fun to camp, to live in rotten apartments, eat out of tins. But will it still be fun in 5 years when the children arrive? Will it still be fun when you are older? Not having enough to get by decently will slowly eat away the humanity in you as some of the most basic needs, creature’s comfort, are not met. Without food, shelter, clothing, difficult to think about any of the other three needs. Lacking comfort and not meeting one’s material needs puts an extra strain on a couple.
My recommendation: talk with your partner about where you’d like to be in 5 or 10 years and how you’d like to get there. Consult with a coach to identify your basic needs and expectations. If you meet any hardship in your life, seek help early with the adequate institutions.
Intellectual:
As human beings, we want to share, to discuss, to talk. At the beginning of a relationship, there seems to be endless material for discussions. You are in the discovery phase, this blessed period of endless talks, insights and awe. And then comes the time, when the discussions become less interesting, routine-infused before it even may dry up.
My recommendation: find common interests which you can develop and maybe even discover together. It can be books, movies, sports, art, travel, cooking. Anything you like to explore together and spend time together doing it. Seek help of a coach to solve any communication issues that may arise.
My caution: still give your partner freedom to develop his/her own interests, hobbies and friends. Like this there is always something to talk about and you don’t need to be symbiotic as a couple.
Emotional:
This is a very tricky one. Emotional needs are manifold. I will talk more about emotional co-dependency in a separate blog. Some of your emotional needs should be met by your partner, otherwise you may emotionally starve. However, never forget that YOU are the owner of your emotions and responsible for them. Thus, it is entirely up to you to identify them, express them and to manage them. If you have unresolved emotional hang-ups, don’t expect your partner to solve them for you. Only you can face your inner demons and learn to embrace them.
However, you can expect your partner to meet these needs:
1. To feel appreciated
2. To be listened too and not judged
3. To be supported in your emotional moments
4. To laugh and to cry with them
5. To be accepted as you are
If these fundamentals are not present, you may not be in a balanced relationship. Having said that, you should be aware that your partner has also his/her up and downs. There are moments when one of you is more in sync with his/her emotions and can support the other better, and there are those moments where you are vulnerable and need to rely on your partners strength.
My recommendation: solve your own hang-ups and don’t forget that you are the owner of your emotions. Seek help with a therapist or a coach to understand your emotions and to move beyond certain issues.
Look for the above mentioned 5 essentials, and practice them. Be forgiving for weakness and appreciate strength. If one of the essentials is missing, express it to your partner. Don’t hang on in a toxic relationship.
Sexual:
Sexual mismatch will erode in the long run the harmony of a couple. Some people say that too much importance is given to sex in a couple. However, intimacy – even though not limited to sex – does include physical contact. Expectations and needs are often divergent with regards to sexuality. To this we can add the social and religious background, which may create different taboos in the partnership. Challenges may arise with:
- Not having the same libido
- Physical incompatibility (not the right chemistry for example)
- Not being experienced in sexuality
- Different social and religious influences
- Not the same fantasies
Emotional closeness creates the confidence needed to be intimate and trusting. In these moments of closeness, it is more important than ever that you are tuned into your partner and listen to his/her reactions.
My recommendation: Seek an honest and open conversation about what motivates and excites you sexually, what your taboos are and how you wish the setting to be.
Whilst you and your partners needs may shift daily, dependent on the energy level, the mood, the experience of the day and your emotions of the moment, never forget that you cannot be held responsible for the other persons expectations, only your own. Communication is therefore key.
If you feel that a conversation might be challenging and that you’d like to explore more, seek out a coach such as myself to guide you on your way forward.
Conclusion:
You can only manage your OWN needs and expectations, not those of your partner. Seek positive communication to share what your wishes are. Your partner cannot read your mind as little as you can read his/her mind. It is recommendable to have open discussions as early as possible in your relationship, but it is never too late to seek to improve communication.
If you would like to consult with a neutral third party to accompany you on your journey as a couple, don’t hesitate to book a free exploration call with me. It might just be what you need.
Life is short – be happy.
Sibylle Rupprecht, www.sr-coaching.ch, is an experienced relationship coach. Want to know more? Book your free call on the website. Follow us on Facebook, on Instagram (relationships.love.sex.coach) and on Linkedin. #love #relationships #relationshipadvice #couplegoals #datingadvice #energy #marriage #soulmate #romantic #lovequotes #relationshipgoals #selflove #redflags #intimacy #coach #sexpert
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